Jing
11-17-2001, 03:06 AM
Funny article from November Maxim Mag
And no, I don't believe in any of this =P
[God, I'm never going to get a girlfriend after posting this...]
How To Get Dumped in 30 Days
Initial phase - Plant the Seed
Day 1 - Roll your eyes at everything she says, especially the question "What the hell are you rolling your eyes at?"
Why it works - Because it combines two things that already get under skin: your lack of coomunication and making her feel like a dingbat
Day 2 - Pawn all the gifts she's ever given for quick cash, offering the explanation that none were really your style anyway.
Why it works - women put a lot of thought into even the most silly, useless, stupid gifts. Returning them makes her think you don't appreciate the effort or something.
Day 3 - Start taking her mother's side in arguments.
Why it works - she was only dating you to piss off her mom in the first place.
Day 4 - Actually liten to her yak about her coworkers, then ask to see photos so that you can put faces to all the names. Pick out an especially hot gal and request more pics... preferably posed in a Catholic-school-girl outfit... and down on all fours
Why it works - because her off ice Christmas party is right around the corner.
Day 5 - Declare it's high time you two got rid of that ratty old futon... then replace it with bunk beds. Thumb wrestle her for who gets top bunk.
Why it works - she wants a soul mate, not an extended stay at Camp No-Nooky
Day 6 - Tell her that since women live longer than men, it just breaks your heart to contemplate how devastated she's going to be when you pass away and leave her all alone.
Why it works - she doesn't really want a man who overobsesses about the distant future more than she does.
Day 7 - Make a fuss over her impending birthday, then when it arrives... don't do a damn thing. Don't even bring it up. When she starts throwing pots and pans at you at 11:59, that night calmly reply "but you said you didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Is your memory starting to sag, too?"
Why it works - much like Third World Dictators, women still believe their adult birthdays are special events that others should give a rat's ass about celebrating.
Day 8 - Whenever she leaves the room for a moment, top over all framed couple photos so that she finds them facedown. Pretend it's a mystery to you, too.
Why it works - even if she believes you, most women are secretly more superstitious than a gypsy fortuneteller during a full eclipse.
Day 9 - Wedgie time! "Does this hurt? Ok, how 'bout now?"
WHy it works - the only thing lower than her tolerance for pain is her tolerance for guys who consider thong underwear an irresistible target.
Day 10 - Ask if she considers oral sex to be cheating. When she says yes, ask if that includes strippers. When she says yes, ask if that includes when you're really, really wasted. When she says of course yes, nod yur head and say, "good to know."
Why it works - Because she hasn't fully embraced the modern service economy.
Intermediate phase - Push her buttons
Day 11 - Present her with a "date bill" for every meal, concert ticket, video rental, and cover charge you've ever lavished on her. When she goes pale, act confused: DOesn't she want to be "Equal partners?" state that you'll gladly consider it a loan - repayable over 36 months at 11.5 percent interest.
Why it works - because she doesn't want to be reminded of all the times she's blown off her belief in gender equality. And she sure as hell doesn't want to pay her share.
Day 12 - Be logical.
Why it works - they hate that.
Day 13 - Spend the entire day wistfully working on a thick scrap book devoted to past girlfriends. Include her, but label it "Vol. 1"
Why it works - You didn't even allow her to take a camera on your romantic trip to wine country.
Day 14 - Leave your dirty Levi's lying on the floor for her to pick up, as usual... only this time, slip a pair of her panties inside.
Why it works - hey it may have excited her that one time, but it was only supposed to be that one time....
[skipping through some now, there are 30, you want 'em all, go get the mag =P =) ]
Day 18 - Cultivate a fondness for extreme quickies; at the moment you climax, yell "Hoo-ah! I took another 20 seconds off my best time!"
Day 19 - When she asks if a new skirt makes her butt look big, reply, "Nope... I think it's your fat ass."
Why it works - Because, admit it... you've been wanting to say that for years.
Day 23 - Wake her up in the middle of the night as ask her if she thinks that if a guy made out with another guy just one time it makes him gay.
Why it works - because, yes, it does.
Day 25 - Next time she gets her period, instead of sympathizing about her cramps and mood swings, just grin and crow, "Yessss! Blow job week has arrived!"
Why it works - 'Cause, let's face it.... it shouldn't take much to make her go ballistic right now.
And no, I don't believe in any of this =P
[God, I'm never going to get a girlfriend after posting this...]
How To Get Dumped in 30 Days
Initial phase - Plant the Seed
Day 1 - Roll your eyes at everything she says, especially the question "What the hell are you rolling your eyes at?"
Why it works - Because it combines two things that already get under skin: your lack of coomunication and making her feel like a dingbat
Day 2 - Pawn all the gifts she's ever given for quick cash, offering the explanation that none were really your style anyway.
Why it works - women put a lot of thought into even the most silly, useless, stupid gifts. Returning them makes her think you don't appreciate the effort or something.
Day 3 - Start taking her mother's side in arguments.
Why it works - she was only dating you to piss off her mom in the first place.
Day 4 - Actually liten to her yak about her coworkers, then ask to see photos so that you can put faces to all the names. Pick out an especially hot gal and request more pics... preferably posed in a Catholic-school-girl outfit... and down on all fours
Why it works - because her off ice Christmas party is right around the corner.
Day 5 - Declare it's high time you two got rid of that ratty old futon... then replace it with bunk beds. Thumb wrestle her for who gets top bunk.
Why it works - she wants a soul mate, not an extended stay at Camp No-Nooky
Day 6 - Tell her that since women live longer than men, it just breaks your heart to contemplate how devastated she's going to be when you pass away and leave her all alone.
Why it works - she doesn't really want a man who overobsesses about the distant future more than she does.
Day 7 - Make a fuss over her impending birthday, then when it arrives... don't do a damn thing. Don't even bring it up. When she starts throwing pots and pans at you at 11:59, that night calmly reply "but you said you didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Is your memory starting to sag, too?"
Why it works - much like Third World Dictators, women still believe their adult birthdays are special events that others should give a rat's ass about celebrating.
Day 8 - Whenever she leaves the room for a moment, top over all framed couple photos so that she finds them facedown. Pretend it's a mystery to you, too.
Why it works - even if she believes you, most women are secretly more superstitious than a gypsy fortuneteller during a full eclipse.
Day 9 - Wedgie time! "Does this hurt? Ok, how 'bout now?"
WHy it works - the only thing lower than her tolerance for pain is her tolerance for guys who consider thong underwear an irresistible target.
Day 10 - Ask if she considers oral sex to be cheating. When she says yes, ask if that includes strippers. When she says yes, ask if that includes when you're really, really wasted. When she says of course yes, nod yur head and say, "good to know."
Why it works - Because she hasn't fully embraced the modern service economy.
Intermediate phase - Push her buttons
Day 11 - Present her with a "date bill" for every meal, concert ticket, video rental, and cover charge you've ever lavished on her. When she goes pale, act confused: DOesn't she want to be "Equal partners?" state that you'll gladly consider it a loan - repayable over 36 months at 11.5 percent interest.
Why it works - because she doesn't want to be reminded of all the times she's blown off her belief in gender equality. And she sure as hell doesn't want to pay her share.
Day 12 - Be logical.
Why it works - they hate that.
Day 13 - Spend the entire day wistfully working on a thick scrap book devoted to past girlfriends. Include her, but label it "Vol. 1"
Why it works - You didn't even allow her to take a camera on your romantic trip to wine country.
Day 14 - Leave your dirty Levi's lying on the floor for her to pick up, as usual... only this time, slip a pair of her panties inside.
Why it works - hey it may have excited her that one time, but it was only supposed to be that one time....
[skipping through some now, there are 30, you want 'em all, go get the mag =P =) ]
Day 18 - Cultivate a fondness for extreme quickies; at the moment you climax, yell "Hoo-ah! I took another 20 seconds off my best time!"
Day 19 - When she asks if a new skirt makes her butt look big, reply, "Nope... I think it's your fat ass."
Why it works - Because, admit it... you've been wanting to say that for years.
Day 23 - Wake her up in the middle of the night as ask her if she thinks that if a guy made out with another guy just one time it makes him gay.
Why it works - because, yes, it does.
Day 25 - Next time she gets her period, instead of sympathizing about her cramps and mood swings, just grin and crow, "Yessss! Blow job week has arrived!"
Why it works - 'Cause, let's face it.... it shouldn't take much to make her go ballistic right now.